Thoughts June 2003

Thursday 26 June 03

Appointment at 2.15 to find out the type of growth I have

 I fear melanoma

Strength is there - lots of love and support around me

 Worried about the boys, the job, money – the fight.   Do I need another challenge?

Shock still here I think 
Be gentle!

 It was melanoma

I face it

Will need to be staged!

arrangements boys?   help!

CT Scan – Medicare - the big merry go Round

See Clive, Wendy again
FRIENDS!

Keiran – fabulous – a closeness – a humanity
We focus on my relationship with life

Accept in a positive way

Have a plan / a strategy – any way!

3 months for me - nourish myself in many ways

accept support &  help from friends and family -re J & S – let them find their own pathway/journey.  Don’t feel responsible for it.  Be caring, honest but show my strength & calm

Partnership needed – this is what the task is – do you want to/can you be a partner in this
 - a team working together
Whatever happens Monday this is time for a focus on each moment each day, each step.  Get the most I can out of life every day.

I can’t control the timing of my death – noone can

Meditating – be aware of how the body feels – listen to the breath – don’t judge thoughts or the meditation – be with it
Meditate 3 times per day
Accept the body contraction

Sunday 29 11 am

Meditation was the most powerful ever.  In the midst, in the core – an amazing overwhelming warmth & light – pure something.  I am so pleased and happy about it.  I can find some peace.

Recognise challenge, it’s like anything open to learning & opportunities – becoming more myself.   Respond & open to life.
How we respond more fully ourselves

Tues – on flight
So much has happened.  I now have a positive prognosis – an op and a chance for a healthy future.
Keep on the positive track.  Enjoy & get the most of our every moment.  It was great having time with sisters now.  Great seeing Robert & Kerry again after 25 years!
I may stay in touch.

I  have been thinking about writing for so long.  A diary?  Notes on events, experiences?  letters to individuals?  A letter to myself?  Thoughts?  Some of these are in my laptop…etc

Unable to decide I’m just going to write.  Call it what you will.  I want to put things down.  I want the words to tell me what I’m thinking.

A question at Petrea King’s Retreat confronts me every day “Why do I want to live?”   What would I do with life.  Better still what am I doing in life now.  It feels like I’m compressing what I might learn over the next 20 years if I go into ‘remission’.  It’s challenging but exciting.  I have down times/days when I get cranky, stomp my feet and whinge & cry.  But surprisingly I now bounce back fairly easily.

I love life.   I love my life.  All regrets, embarrassments, hurts and so called ‘failures’ in life are pushed away by a sense of calm, love, joy – and opportunity spiritually. 

I have spent a lot of time trying to make things happen in my life.   No more!  Life will be as it is.

My second round of chemo – DTIC, has just begun.  It may work well.  I want it to do its job & shrink the tumours.  I feel I can also contribute to this with the four ‘c’s from Petrea(see below).  Tonight I fell that how I do all this might really support and help others learn about mortality, dignity, generosity and love.   I feel a strong need to give.  What would I give?   My story, my journey, my life, my learning?   All of these are about giving love.  For me it is all about love, god , the universe, the being here now & nowhere else.

Why am I here?

My summary of the Four Cs

• control over life able to choose response not react
• committed to living refocus priorities resolve the past forgive
• challenged excited by life juices flowing meaning in suffering living dream life we came here to live connection to loved ones support and to what we see as sacred divine

  Petrea Quest